today is a sunny day. it is nearing summertime and the days are getting longer. i am a new lover of summer, i must admit, but i have come to realise that i actually like being able to sit outside all day, and that i like tanning and having the sun on my face. quarantine is going well - what are we, 9 weeks in? - and the restrictions are finally being eased. however, i'm not really inclined to go mad just yet and start meeting in large groups - well, i didn't like meeting in large groups before, much less now. i have a certain social battery, and when that dies, it's time for me to head home. school had built up the stamina of my social battery a little, but not seeing anyone except for my parents for 9 weeks has really taken its toll on it. i'll be surprised if it ever recovers completely at all.
the sunny weather continues! i had my first a level seminar today, and luckily it was photography. super interesting, we talked about positive and negative space, and how you can create and use it in different ways. i only had that today, which allowed the entire afternoon for me to also continue practising my drawing skills, and developing my style. i'm trying to upload some photos of my drawings to this site, but it often won't let me unless i try late at night - and honestly, i've been too tired to stay up at the moment. i'm even falling asleep even now, at 5 in the afternoon; it's probably the weather.
i'm frustrated at the world today. not helped by the fact that the sunny weather has been replaced by rain. i consider myself to be quite vocal and invested in the BLM movement, and seeking justice for the murder of GEORGE FLOYD and all the others that have been wrongly killed in police custody. my generation understands - as we should - that everyone (black, white, whatever) all need to stand up together and fight the systematic racism that is embedded in the american justice system - and in systems all over the world. we are showing solidarity, that americans are not alone in their fight. however, what frustrates and angers me is that the mainstream media only focusses on the bad part of the movement: those who are using this as an opportunity to riot and loot, and portray the entire movement to be like this, when only a SMALL MINORITY are doing it. they put a bad name to the BLM movement, and give fuel to the fire of journalists and the government who want to silence the people and shut the protests down. the media also only focusses on the amount of police officers killed in the RIOTS (none have been killed in the peaceful protests) - although this is terrible, and i do think that fighting violence with more violence is not the answer, the media seems to conveniently gloss over the amount of protesters who have been beaten, arrested and tear gassed in the PEACEFUL protests. by all means, arrest and tear gas the violent looters, but not the ones who are obeying the law and peacefully protesting! honestly, it proves the point of police brutality that the people are marching against. i'm flabbergasted at the narrow approach and biased reporting of these mainstream news outlets, which are the main source of news for the older generations: this makes the BLM look horrific to them, and causes them to disagree with it - when we need all the help we can get! i'm so frustrated that the media outlets are distracting people from the actual issue, and just focus on the violence happening - and not even the violence of the police! just the protestors! I'M ANGRY.
the media is finally showing the brutality of the police towards peaceful protestors, and they are finally realising that the looting and rioting is not part - or wanted within - of the BLM movement. they are finally focussing a little bit more on what really matters - even if it is only here in the UK.
finally! the charges against chauvin have been UPPED. 2nd degree murder. the pressure that we are appyling to the system is working. the weather has turned back to being grey and cold - i guess it's pathetic fallacy. anonymous said: 'the point of a revolution is to reconstruct the system to make it better for everyone,' and i really resonated with that: we do need to restructure all of our systems, to make them universally inclusive to everybody, no matter their skin colour. just because we have appropriate justice for GEORGE does not mean that we stop here - the protests continue! what is happening right now - in june 2020 - is the largest civil rights movement in HISTORY: 18 countries, all 50 states of north america. frankly, we are living through history twice over. i find it amazing that us young people have been able to makes our voices heard, and are beginning to bring about real and effective change, throughout the world. i am astounded every day at the people who show their true colours in not standing up for BLM, but my heart is warmed 10 times over each day by the amount of love and support that black people are receving at this time. it makes me hopeful that we can weed out most sources of racism, and maybe come to live in a world without systematic racism in the near future. i will continue to fight, for i have hope. I HAVE HOPE.
i've been looking at some more wholesome content on twitter over the past 24 hours. it's made me feel much better about the world, and has reignited my sense of hope that i spoke about in my last post. looking at wholesome protesting content, and watching one of my favourite films and browsing filthy frank's old channel for those comedy gems. it's funny, that i can switch from offensive humour like frank's, to funny - yet pg - content by creators such as dream and sapnap; and be able to enjoy and laugh at both equally! even though the sky is still grey - and it may even be raining a little out - i feel so much better. i felt compelled to lift myself out of any negative mindsets or feelings; i didn't want to go back to the way i felt two years ago, oh no. i've come such a long way since then, i have made so much progress with my mental health - all by my lonesome as well! i definitely do not want to go back to that place. no matter what. i need my mental health to be peak - to be the best it's ever been over these next two years - so that i can finish my a levels, EPQ and get into my draeam university. i'll be damned if i ever let myself get back to that dark place, even if i have to drag myself kicking and screaming from the darkness. I WILL WIN.
my mother keeps taking down my 'black lives matter' poster from MY room's window, and i don't know what to do about it :( i just keep putting it back up.
the protestors took down a statue of a slave trader from back in the 1800s. i think it's a good thing. statues are used to glorify and immortilize people, and i don't think that glorifying a slave holder is appropriate in this day and age. i mean, they took down the statues of both lenin and stalin - who thought they were great leaders - because people looked back at their actions and the russia they had created, and realised that that was not a good representation of russia. also, most of the statues were taken down by protestors! no one complained there, so why is it happening now, we certainly do not need statues of lenin and stalin to remember what they did, we have books and museums for that! same for the statue of the man that the protestors took down the other day; if you really want to remember him, read a book. i think it's important to look back on the actions of people in the past with the context of the time that they lived in, but they could put the statue in a museum, and say: 'people thought this man was great in his time, but now, we disapprove of his owning slaves from Africa.' i especially don't think that it should be on the corner of a street, where everyone can see it. honestly, i don't know what the boomers are crying about here, they literally just gave you more room on the pavement to walk, karen.
i've been writing poems again lately. before this month, the last poem i had written was back in april, and before that it was two - maybe three - years ago. i like writing poems - i'm not sure whether or not i'm any good at writing them, i don't have the courage to show anyone who knows poetry techniques in more detail than i my writings. many are too personal for that. maybe i should write less personally, then. i think i might be better at getting my feelings across in longer essay-type writings, as i am doing here - but then again these are more diary-like entries, and i don't think anyone could learn any valuable life lessons or take away any moral principles from these. i doubt anyone even sees these when they visit my site, i have hidden them behind the picture on my index page. i also doubt that anyone would take the time to search that deeply into my site. maybe it's for the best. i only created this site so i could have some form of private diary and place to showcase my writings; i can't trust anything physical in my house, my mother will find them and read them - she has done that before. i also like to learn a little about coding, even if it is the most basic form - i find it fun.
i haven't written anything lately because i haven't had anything to say. am feeling good. finished school (finally) today, hopefully things will be back to normal in september - so i can start my a level years normally. i hope. we're going to cornwall this weekend, apparently the sea is freezing, but it'll be good to go surfing - especially when no one else is going to be down there.
cornwall was good. surf was 6-7 feet! however, when i got back, i was greeted with RTG's video on the #megalink #megalinks #s2r tags on twitter. honestly, i threw up in my mouth a little: pedos and rapists using hashtags on TWITTER to find, buy and sell CP?! i was absolutely disgusted. apparently it has been going on for months as well. this is not even some obscure website like children's chat - which only those in the know have the link to - THIS IS TWITTER. the one good thing to come out of this is that the tags have been taken over by normal people; though i fear that the pedos will only move on to another - even more obscure - tag to do their nasty business. i left a comment under RTG's video, asking whether anyone had sent the information to mamamax. if i don't get a response by tomorrow, i'll send him the screenshots myself. i think there are still some legitimate accounts left in the deepest depths of the tags. honestly, these types of things are terrifying, but even more disgusting. how does twitter not know about this when average people on the internet can find these blatant tags for pedos and expose them? mama needs to expose twitter as being an unmoderated sesspool.
i sent what the screenshots and the general information regarding the pedos to max. i hope he sees my email. just last week he did an interview with nightdocs exposing youtube for taking down his video; when it didn't infringe on any of their policies. well, the only policy it infringed upon is the cyberbullying one, but is bullying pedos really bullying? anyways, at least the info has been spread to more people. i've taken a good break from twitter, i've seen too much on there. on another note, i finally finished year 11! to be honest, i'm at a bit of a loose end right now, but i certainly have plenty to do over the summer - i'm geniunely excited to start year 12, i think it's going to be fun. also, results day isn't actually that far away anymore (definitely going into school to collect them) : i didn't think i would be nervous at all, considering i basically already know what grades i'm going to get. however, there's always the possibility that my teachers will pull a sneaky one - probably not, though.
i'm back, bitches.
to be honest, i'd completely forgotten i had this account... its nice to have somewhere i can be anonymous
looking back on my previous writings here, i hardly recognise myself... the naive optimism that the misery i had felt over the previous two years would dissipate. how naive i was. in fact, sixth form and a levels were the worst two years of my life.
i got head girl.
but, what can you do when your dreams come true, but they're not quite like you planned?
those two years marred and deformed what was otherwise a relatively happy experience in that school - i was miserable, yes; but that was not the fault of the school. but, my misery in those last two years was definitely down to them, and maybe a bit of the covid sadness thrown in there. that's the other thing, i wrote on 19th june 2020 that i hoped everything would be back to normal in september so i could start sixth form properly, but of course it was two years before restrictions were lifted, and my a level exams were still affected. although, i am not complaining about that part, i'm not sure i could've got the grades i needed without the concessions. but i did. i got the grades i needed, and now i'm at uni.
but, what can you do when your dreams come true, but they're not quite like you planned?
of course, the first term (michaelmas) was all adrenaline and getting to know new people, and i have some wonderful friends, they are the true ones. but now? i feel like i'm just... surviving... going through the motions. the weeks are passing quickly and the days are blurring together, we're already in week 4 of hilary and i feel as if i've been here five minutes and five years at the same time. i think that's another consequence of covid, now, my childhood and teen years are definitively over, and the years are starting to pass quicker and quicker. it's now 7 years since 2016... i still feel like it's only been 4. did i leave a part of me in 2020? a part that can't move on?
there is no rest.
i've been watching a lot of julian baumgartner again recently. i used to watch him pre-covid (weird that it a measure of time now), but for some reason i stopped after the pandemic hit. i don't know why. his voice is incredibly soothing and his videos haven't changed a bit, its really nice to be able to just jump back in to a community you haven't been a part of for 3 years or so.
i don't have much to write about recently. perhaps that means i'm not so sad? but i still feel the same, maybe i have no words left, i am drained. i need a rest.